Men Can Look Macho In Step Class
by Thomas Santiago Joseph Jose
Originally Published in The Hollywood Y'ire April 01 2004

Yes, I said it, it is possible to look macho in a step aerobics class. Classes are always packed with beautiful women, bending, stretching, and breathing heavily, so why would you choose watch from behind a glass window, when you can be up close and personal, thrusting with the best of them? But before you go running to jump into a class, you're going to have to learn a few very simple rules, and follow some highly important guidelines in order to keep your manliness in tact.

First Step – Chose the step that is the least colorful, and the most beat up in the bunch. You’re a rugged man, and your step should be no less so. If you can’t find a step that suits you, ask the gym if they wouldn’t mind if you painted one free of charge or brought your own. Turn that pastel slim-shaded to a nice dull gray, and possibly add bumper stickers. Most importantly, where flames may look good on the side of your Chevy or Hog, restrain from painting them on your step. You will send the wrong message.

Get A Rise – Risers get put under the step to increase the step’s height. The higher the step the more difficult the exercise. The most important rule when it comes to risers is never, never have less risers than anyone in the room, especially a woman’s. Look around, if she’s got two, you take three. If she takes three, four is your lucky number stud. Remember you’re a man, and you must continue to be one in the midst of all the flowing estrogen.

Favorite Position – The single most important step in step class is choosing the right geographic location. Poor position will give you an inferior view of that hottie in the class and you might as well have watched from the side lines. Position the step in the back of the class for maximum viewing efficiency, and demand from the gym that all mirrors are cleaned before class begins. The back of the room approach will also aid in you blending in.

Thump Thump – Since you rarely get to put in your own CD you’ll be forced to listen to over mixed dance and disco selections, so make sure you butch it up by inserting grunts and a military “OOH-RAAH!"” when ever possible. And STOMP on those steps, let those women know that while you can keep pace, your rhythm isn’t that good.

Get It In Motion – Step instructors tend to like dancy moves with happy jazz hands. This is not for you. You are a man. If you have trouble remembering this, repeat that in your head, over and over and over. You are a guy. Billy Joel found a way to dance and still look tough, and so should you. Move with clenched fists, and keep all motion with your arms to short, choppy motions. Think of all your motions as if you were in a gang fight. Knee to groin. Knee to groin. Crush his head. Crush his head. Again, remember to grunt.

Go All Night – I can’t stress this enough, you’re a guy, deep within a step aerobics class, surrounded by women. You need to represent. You are not to quit, tire, whimper or bitch under any circumstances whatsoever. You are a man. If the whole class ends up sucking down bottled waters in a puddle of their own wetness, but the instructor is still going, you must continue. If you’re about to have a heart attack, take it like a man. The pain you’ll feel between the initial crushing blow and your death will be far less than the humiliation you will suffer for years to come in the locker room among your peers if you stop.

That’s it, follow those simple steps and you’ll be bouncing with babes… And don’t wear anything too tight, or anything that could ever be referred to as a mid-drift. Never.

Now step on it, and remember, GRUNT!